I've thought a lot about writing lately. I have a lot I want to get out but haven't because it's either too painful or I'm afraid that I'll step on someone's toes. Let me begin by saying, I am well aware of my imperfections and realize I mess things up on a regular basis. In this moment, my heart is broken and I feel like stomping some toes.
Like I said, I am far from perfect. We had just begun this journey into foster care. I feel like we went into it knowing the risks. I've said all along that nothing can truly prepare you for any of it. We just jumped into the fire and prayed for God to guide us through. Early into the process I had people say to me, things like; "Wow! I couldn't give back a puppy, let alone a child I cared for. There's no way I could do it." I have had that exact thing said to me at least twice. At the time, all I could think was.. REALLY?? By all means, let's compare a motherless child to a stray dog.
After realizing that such a need existed, I really wanted to make more people aware. There is a HUGE need for safe and loving homes. I know not everyone is called to open their home, but I really hoped that more and more people would realize their call. I hadn't heard much of anything about foster care until the last year and all of the sudden it seemed like it was everywhere. It was exciting to see so much awareness being brought about, and so many people willing to do something to make a change.
Here is where it gets dicey... I've now gone from hopeful to broken and angry. It's not a good place to be. I realize that our system is not perfect, we are not perfect. If you are going to commit to becoming a foster parent, please realize that the children are NOT perfect. It is not easy, they are broken and hurting. When you agree to take in a child, you are agreeing to take them into your home and love them as your own, until they are placed into whatever next step lies ahead of them. God has a plan for every child, his plan is perfect. But we are human and can screw up that plan. Like I said, I'm coming from a painful place right now.. but I feel like people are hiding behind this "God's plan" as a cop out for giving up. "It's so hard for us, it must not be His plan after all." In some cases, I'm certain that it is true.. but in every case??? If your child suddenly began behaving badly, how would you handle it? These children are not disposable. You can not trade them in, in hopes of a child with less baggage.
In the beginning, I was astonished at how many homes the average foster child will have stayed at in their time "in the system." I couldn't understand the problem. In a very short time, my eyes were opened and my heart broken. How do we fix this? How do we recruit families to love these kids for the right reasons and convey that they are not disposable? It's okay to change your mind, it's not a lifelong commitment. However, to bail when it gets hard and assume that someone else will do a better job is not the solution. God's plan may have been to use you as a stepping stone, but it also may be for you to grin and bear it for a season. To give a child a chance to feel loved, fought for, protected. To be yanked from the life they've known is traumatic. How much more damage are we causing by creating an environment where kids feel passed off , unwanted, unloved, unworthy... hopeless... It's our first experience witnessing someone chewed up and spit out "in the system" and it sucks. It's depressing. It's gut-wrenching. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have a horrible feeling this will not be the only time we experience this sort of failure.
Keep praying for each child in foster care. Pray for the parents taking the plunge, for those who are pros, for those wavering and those pushing through. Pray that I can find my place in it all here. Pray for courage to face it all again, and again.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.".. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Right now my Grumpy Cat mug makes me happy (Katie) and the song "Happy" makes me sad.
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