Confession

So earlier this year God told us to move to Austin.  I was like, "Whoa, God.. seriously??  But I like my job, love my friends, and love, love our church!  We just started fostering.  Are you sure?  Maybe you have us mixed up with someone else."  No amount of pleaing changed what had become obvious to our family.. we were about to become Texans.  

 There is something exciting about a new adventure.  I forgot the worries and focused on the adventure.  We packed up and and began our new journey.  Austin was exciting, there was/is so much to explore that we never run out of things to do.  We've been here almost 3 months and have barely touched the number of great parks, hiking/biking trails, lakes and so on.  Brandon loves his new job and is excelling at it already.  The kids have a number of friends and our house is full most days.

It's easy for me to tell you all about the great things we have seen and done here so far.  How following His will just requires faith.  I have faith.. I'm here aren't I?  I still have no doubt in my mind that God wants us here for whatever reason.  But something happened shortly after we moved here.  My excitement faded and I was left feeling empty.  Most days I was content to sit and my room and do nothing.  I'd take the kids to a park or to the pool and then call it good.  We started running again and that helped.  We even found a pretty great church.  Yet, every Sunday I had to REALLY fight not to cry while sitting in this great church that was not mine.  I missed MY church.  I missed my friends. I missed my family. I missed and worried about our foster kiddo. I didn't know what I was supposed to do career wise.  I was developing some serious bitterness.  I would have never admitted it, but I was mad at God.  How could He lead me here and then leave me, alone,  without a clue of what I am supposed to be doing?

Then, while sitting at church last Sunday, WHAM!, it hit me. He didn't leave me.. I left Him.  I've been pouting for 3 months.  I haven't been spending time with Him, doing devotionals.  I really haven't been praying outside of specific requests for others.  Essentially, I've been sitting in the corner, arms crossed, lip stuck out and pouting.  Poor pitiful me!  You can ask my children or my students.. I don't tolerate pouting, can't stand it!  Yet, here I was.  

So, I'm writing this as a declaration:  "NO MORE!"  I started a daily devotion time this week am praying and searching for where God wants me to be.  I'm no longer sitting around thinking about what I can't do, but what I am going to do.  We're joining a community group at church and will start serving soon.  We were given a gift with this move, and I'm going to figure out why.. and then LIVE it.  I'm putting it out there so that if you see me with my lip out, you can give me a swift kick in the rear.  


"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."     - Deuteronomy 31:8

Hope for the Hopeless

I've thought a lot about writing lately. I have a lot I want to get out but haven't because it's either too painful or I'm afraid that I'll step on someone's toes.  Let me begin by saying, I am well aware of my imperfections and realize I mess things up on a regular basis.  In this moment, my heart is broken and I feel like stomping some toes. 

Like I said, I am far from perfect.  We had just begun this journey into foster care.  I feel like we went into it knowing the risks.  I've said all along that nothing can truly prepare you for any of it.  We just jumped into the fire and prayed for God to guide us through.  Early into the process I had people say to me, things like; "Wow!  I couldn't give back a puppy, let alone a child I cared for.  There's no way I could do it."  I have had that exact thing said to me at least twice.  At the time, all I could think was.. REALLY??  By all means, let's compare a motherless child to a stray dog.

After realizing that such a need existed, I really wanted to make more people aware.  There is a HUGE need for safe and loving homes.  I know not everyone is called to open their home, but I really hoped that more and more people would realize their call.  I hadn't heard much of anything about foster care until the last year and all of the sudden it seemed like it was everywhere.  It was exciting to see so much awareness being brought about, and so many people willing to do something to make a change.

Here is where it gets dicey... I've now gone from hopeful to broken and angry.  It's not a good place to be.  I realize that our system is not perfect, we are not perfect.  If you are going to commit to becoming a foster parent, please realize that the children are NOT perfect.  It is not easy, they are broken and hurting.  When you agree to take in a child, you are agreeing to take them into your home and love them as your own, until they are placed into whatever next step lies ahead of them.  God has a plan for every child, his plan is perfect.  But we are human and can screw up that plan.  Like I said, I'm coming from a painful place right now.. but I feel like people are hiding behind this "God's plan" as a cop out for giving up.  "It's so hard for us, it must not be His plan after all."  In some cases, I'm certain that it is true.. but in every case???  If your child suddenly began behaving badly, how would you handle it?  These children are not disposable.  You can not trade them in, in hopes of a child with less baggage.

In the beginning, I was astonished at how many homes the average foster child will have stayed at in their time "in the system."  I couldn't understand the problem.  In a very short time, my eyes were opened and my heart broken.  How do we fix this?  How do we recruit families to love these kids for the right reasons and convey that they are not disposable?  It's okay to change your mind, it's not a lifelong commitment.  However, to bail when it gets hard and assume that someone else will do a better job is not the solution.  God's plan may have been to use you as a stepping stone, but it also may be for you to grin and bear it for a season.  To give a child a chance to feel loved, fought for, protected.  To be yanked from the life they've known is traumatic.  How much more damage are we causing by creating an environment where kids feel passed off , unwanted, unloved, unworthy... hopeless...  It's our first experience witnessing someone chewed up and spit out "in the system" and it sucks.  It's depressing.  It's gut-wrenching.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  I have a horrible feeling this will not be the only time we experience this sort of failure. 

Keep praying for each child in foster care.  Pray for the parents taking the plunge, for those who are pros, for those wavering and those pushing through.  Pray that I can find my place in it all here.  Pray for courage to face it all again, and again. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.".. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Right now my Grumpy Cat mug makes me happy (Katie) and the song "Happy" makes me sad.  

BITTERSWEET

I am always amazed when things fall so perfectly into place.  We are so blessed.  Our house is under contract, scheduled to close mid-May.  We have signed a lease on a house in Austin.  From a "To-Do" list perspective, everything is going even better than we could have hoped.  As the days count down, we are excited to begin this new adventure.

However, as we prepare to say our goodbyes to friends we cherish and a community we love, I am deeply saddened.  It's strange to think that we've only been here 2 1/2 years because it has felt like so much longer.  Our time here has been filled with great memories, incredible people, and a renewed sense of purpose.  We have not felt as this "at home" in a community since leaving our childhood "home" 14 years ago.  It is going to be a sad departure.

I figured I would get this out of the way before it is "done" as it will likely take a while before I'm ready to talk about it again.

Even less exciting is the prospect of saying goodbye to a little girl who has made a home in our hearts over the last couple of months.   Last night as we signed her in at church it occurred to me that this was the last time we would be doing so.  I'm sure last night's message was a good one, as they always are, but I have to admit that my mind was somewhere else.  I knew it was coming.  I knew it would suck.  In a matter of days I will say goodbye to my little Sugar Bug.  My heart is already breaking.  I pray, wherever she goes from here, that she is safe, happy, and as loved as she was loved by us. 

 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

                                                                                        -1 Corinthians 13:7

We're Off to See the Wizard!

So life in our household the last few months has been somewhat overwhelming.  My boss passed away just before February, B was called out of the blue during this time and offered a job, and we became foster parents.  To say it has been stressful may be the understatement of the year.  

First of all, my boss was an amazing man.  I love my job, and he was a big part of why.  Our department is filled with absolutely wonderful people, and he was kind and supportive to us all.  He had a real impact on the students in the community.  His loss will be felt for some time.

One night B received a call about an opportunity.  It was a great opportunity.... in Austin, TX.  My boss was in the hospital on life support and all I could say was that it sounded great, but honestly I couldn't even think about it for a few days.  While I didn't want to think about moving, I did begin to pray.  God has blessed us so much, so I put our future in His hands.  Notice I don't say gladly, ha!  We love our home, our church, our friends.. so it was hard to fathom leaving it all behind.  However, over the next few weeks, it became apparent that it was His plan for us to leave.  So the planning began.  I would like to take just a moment to acknowledge how incredibly proud I am of my husband. 

Right about the same time, we were finally approved to provide foster care.  We had been working toward this for months and it seemed so strange that God would have us move so soon after "getting there."  But, we were led to do this so I must believe that, for whatever length of time we are here, it is for a greater purpose than I can imagine.  I know that after just a little over a month already, he has opened my eyes and blessed me more than I ever expected.  I realize not everyone is called to foster.  Heck, some days I'm convinced I was wrong about myself.  But, in the moments I am about to give up, something always happens.  EVERY time I get low God sends a person, an email, a message, and I feel renewed.  Energy and confidence restored... ready to take on the next day.  While I don't fully understand what the plan is.. I am confident that we will take on the long, daunting process again in Texas so that we can continue to foster.  Oh, and in case you didn't know I suck at being patient.

Here we are.. uncertain of A LOT!  Where we will live, when we will leave, when our house will sell, what I shall do when we are there, what the fostering process is like there, the list goes on... and on..  So we will pray, and I ask for your prayers.  It is scarey, exciting, sad, and exhilarating.  My heart is full and breaking at the same time.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."   John 14:27

Our Journey Begins..

God's timing is perfect.  It's hard to remember that during the waiting process.  After having some hiccups and our "final approval" being postponed by a few days we were finally notified that we were "Open"!  Ten minutes later we had a call for a placement.  There was only one problem, she was a couple hours away and they had to figure out how to get her to us.  ONLY.. B was in the same city.. two hours away and was happy to pick her up.  God's timing is perfect.

So, I won't lie.  The first week was a huge adjustment for us all.  I can't imagine what goes through a child's mind during this time, it breaks my heart to even think about it.  Our kiddos were teetering between excitement, sorrow, and a little fear.  It's confusing having a new person in the mix and not knowing how to act or what to say can be just as stressful on little ones.  I guess I hadn't really thought about that aspect.  You try and prepare as best you can, but really there is nothing that can truly prepare you for a specific child and situation.  God has a way of equipping you as you go.  You just have to keep your faith in Him.  So that is what we have done.  Our family has grown from 4 to 5 for now and our lives are so much richer because of it.  Already I dread goodbyes, even on days where I'm exhausted both mentally and physically.  In two weeks this little girl has worked her way into all of our hearts.  I just pray that we can be whatever she needs us to be in this season of her little life. 

Some of my favorite moments over the last couple of weeks:

1.  We dressed up for our youth ministry night.. 50's style and B pulled his hair back.. Little bit says:  "You're hair is ridiculous"  You really have to hear it pronounced to fully appreciate it.

2.  The nightly request for "You are my Sunshine"

3.  Hearing Connor try and sooth a sad little girl and explain why Abby just wants to go to sleep.

4.  Walking around the neighborhood with our "Scooter Gang"

One Step Closer

 

 
 It's hard to believe that we have made it so far in the process already.  I know it has been months, but suddenly it feels like it has flown by.  Maybe it's the realization that soon we will be diving into unknown waters and praying for God's help to swim.  I keep saying how excited and terrified I am.  There are so many emotions rolled up in this for me, I just have to find peace in knowing that God's got this.
     Our 27 hours of training have been completed, and I'm surprised to say that I am sad.  I am not usually a very good student, but I enjoyed every minute of our training.  We had a fabulous leader and met some really fantastic couples going through the same grueling process we are.  It was really nice to hear about others' stories, hopes and fears.  I really understand why they stress finding support with other foster families in your area.  I think we got lucky because every family we have met thus far has been so wonderful.
     We have some final paperwork and such to finish up, but we are nearing the end of our process.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."                                       - John 14:27

The Path Ever Changing

Everyone that we've talked to about foster care has warned about how long and chaotic the process is.  Being aware of this fact doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  Anyone that knows me knows how difficult being patient is for me. 

At this point we have turned in all of the paperwork, had physicals and been fingerprinted at the Sherrif's department.  On Friday we had our first home visit, which lasted 2 and a half hours.  We planned on one training session that would have ended at the beginning of February, in Tulsa.  Our agency told us about one that they were having that would be a week at the end of January in the evenings + one Saturday.  It was in Owasso, which was awesome.  However, our trainer wasn't quite finished with her training so it ended up getting canceled.  This was, of course, after the initial training had started so we needed to find another class.  We settled for one the second half of February and would be finished at the beginning of March.  It wasn't as soon as I had hoped, but I'll take what I can get.  I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't on my timeline.

Yesterday, an article on the front page of the Tulsa newspaper spoke about DHS failing to keep children safe.  I can't say that the article was entirely fair in their portrayal of child deaths while in the system, but the main story about a young girl that was killed while staying with an approved family member was gut-wrenching.  The article went on to talk about how many children need homes and how few there are available.  It made me feel even worse about having to wait another month to even begin training.  I emailed our agency asking if we were for sure scheduled for the class at this point as I didn't want to miss another one.  She replied and said that she hadn't heard back yet.  I felt even more deflated.  Later that afternoon I received a message from her saying that she needed to talk to us about some other options.  My heart sank...  the classes fill up fast, I know this.  She didn't answer when I called back.

I got home that evening and we all went on a walk.  I was whining to B about it all when my phone rang.  Turns out that our agency had found another person to do the training and they wanted to start this weekend!  I called my parents to beg them to come down to watch the kids while we attended the class.  Of course, being the wonderful parents they are, they agreed.  B and I were trying to figure out who else we could ask to cover the rest of the Saturdays.  My sister had offered to come in from Ohio, because that is the sort of sister I have, but I'd hate to have her drive 24 hours and not even get to stay that long.  We woke up the next morning with a text from B's sister asking if we ever figured out training this month and if we needed any help, because that is the sort of sister B(I) has (have).  Um.. yeah.. that's the kind of family we have and the kind of God we serve.  Today I am feeling incredibly blessed.  Our family is the kind of family I want to share with others.. they ROCK! 

I received an email with a verse of the day from a co-worker as I was writing this blog.  I had already titled the post.. and it seems even more fitting now.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths

Proverbs 3:5-6

Of course.. I prepare myself for the possibility that tomorrow, it may change again.
 

God's Got This, Baby!

Foster:  encourage or promote the development of (something, typically something regarded as good).

Sometimes God taps you on the shoulder and let's you in on a plan he has for your life.  Sometimes, should you ignore or put off the tapping, he sticks out a Godly branch for you to to trip over.  As you fall face first to the ground you are left staring His plan in the face.  This is how it was for me and Gods desire for us to be foster parents.  

 The idea of adoption or fostering isn't' a new one for B and I.  We have talked about it off and on over the years.  It was always a nice idea for "down the road."  We had a picture of it in our heads, our kids grown and taking on some older children that struggled finding anyone else to take them in.  This was the plan.  I have learned though, God's plan doesn't always mesh with ours.  Our first Christmas in Oklahoma opened a door to foster care through our church.  Signing up to get gifts for local orphans was the first step.  This initiated a conversation about foster care in our family.  A couple of months later someone from school mentioned a meeting in our community where foster families got together and talked about the reality of fostering, their experiences, and answered questions anyone might have.  Then, a few weeks later, our church held an informational meeting on foster care and volunteer opportunities.  We took the giant folder of paperwork home to look through.  We still felt like it was an opportunity for us to seek in the future, but looking now wouldn't hurt.  

The packet went in my tray at the back of the office.  Later that spring, we participated in "Walk a Mile" at a local children's home.  They don't tell you when you sign up, but they have kids from the shelter all along the walk holding signs about themselves.  They ranged in ages from teens down to just a few years old.  I looked at B and told him I wanted to take them all home.  My heart broke and I knew that these kids needed our help NOW.  From then on I saw little signs everwhere.  However, now that my eyes were opened.. didn't mean that B's were.  God dropped hints everywhere.  There were plugs in the messages at church, news stories and from others in the community.  We had so many questions and fears so we kept putting it off.  In the end it took a great person in our LifeGroup to say to us, "If you are lead to do this, then why wait?  Do it now."  We called to schedule our physicals that week and began completing the piles of paperwork.

Don't get me wrong, we still have a million questions and fears.  I know that my heart will break a hundred times over and I have no clue how I will handle it.  All I know is that God has this plan and I have faith in Him to get us through all of the rest.

My 2 Cents on the Movement Against Common Core

Until now, I have refrained from posting about the Common Core.  Not because I am afraid of what people will think about my opinions, but because I am frustrated with what I see plastered all over Facebook concerning the Standards.  I am not pro-CC, far from it.  However, I think the best way to foil a movement is to post unsubstantiated information as fact in order to create outrage.  The biggest problem I see is the confusion between curriculum and common core.  They are not the same thing.  Common Core is a set of standards used to set expectations for what skills our students should be learning in order to succeed.  Many of the posts I have seen have been outrage over curriculum.  For example, the worksheet over the hair clip that eluded to an adulterous husband  was printed out online and given out to third graders.  It was in fact a real worksheet, given out to a 3rd grade class in Tulsa.  A friend of mine's niece was in that class.  (I realize it may have been given to others as well)  It was completely inappropriate, no question. However, it was no direct result of the Common Core.  There is a plethora of curriculum and lesson plans out there aligned with the common core that are worthless, in my opinion.  Just as there has been for every set of standards.  I only bring this up because if the community takes a stance on "facts" that are not facts, then the movement is doomed to fail.  Failure is not an option, the stakes are too high. So many great people are out there fighting hard for our children and their futures.

My personal, biggest fear with C.C....  After going through the standards for elementary students I have already began to see a huge gap between what is expected and what I was taught is developmentally appropriate.  Try and line up the development of a child's brain with the expectations of Common Core and you will quickly see a problem.  It gets even worse when you realize that there is this black hole between what level a student should be comprehending material and the level in which students qualify for extra help.  This is where, I feel,  a large number of kids will fall through the cracks.

Some of the best advice I have gotten, and I may be biased, was from my husband.  He told me that it is easy to oppose anything and that in order to take a stance you need the following;

1.  A clear understanding of all of the facts.  Do actual research.

2.  The ability to point out the positives about what you are opposing.  If you can't think of one good thing, then you should probably do more research.

3.  An alternative.  Okay, you don't like this.. What should we do instead?

This is all just my opinion, I am no expert.  I have tried to do as much unbiased research as I can, but I'm positive my own opinion is flawed in one way or another.. or 10.   :)

OH THE HORROR!!

     Today I experienced one of the grossest, most horrifying moments of my life as a mother.  After all the poo, vomit, and such this is saying something.
      Sunday evenings we serve as greeters at church.  While we hold doors open the kids snack and play around outside.  Tonight was like every other Sunday night.  The kids ate their chips, went to the restroom to get a mint and ran around outside.  After the music ended we headed home.
      About 5 minutes into the car ride I hear Connor exclaim, "Abby, it's gross to put something you found on the bathroom floor in your mouth!"  I turned around to see what my daughter was up to and immediately felt sick.  The child was holding an empty tampon applicator to her lips blowing on it.  I immediately grabbed it and threw it to the floor.  Buried my face in my hands and began rocking in my seat while Brandon went on and on about how nasty it is to pick up anything from the bathroom.  He went on about how she was to scrub herself clean, gargle with mouthwash, etc. as soon as we got home.  I'm on the verge of hyperventilating.  For me, Mrs. Germ-a-phobe, I can't imagine anything worse that this very moment.  Connor is giggling saying, "What?  Is it a pregnancy test or something? Did someone pee on it?"  (In hind sight I wonder how he even knows about that.. I'm chalking it up to commercials) 
     I've had about all I can take and begin my lecture.  "Abby, there is probably pee and poop on EVERYTHING on the bathroom floor."  To which Abby replies.. "It was in a wrapper."  I gasp, could there be a glimmer of hope?  "Abby, did you open it up yourself?  What there anything inside?"  Abby replies, "Yes, I opened it and there was some toilet paper wad inside I popped it out."  The heavens opened and a choir of angels sang.  THANK YOU JESUS!!!! 
     Brandon reached over, patted me on the head, and asked if I was going to be alright now.  I went ahead and lectured Abby on taking things from the baskets on the back of the bathroom doors.  Those items are not toys, they are there for the adults to use.  Thankfully, no more questions were asked.

Juice Juice Juice

It seems like every time B watches a documentary, something in our diet changes.  This past week he watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  So naturally, the next day we are buying a juicer and all of the fruits and veggies that will fit in our fridge.  To be fair, the man does his research before jumping in head first.

This is my experience doing the Juice Fast/Clense.

Day 1:

Not bad.  Breakfast was good, lunch was okay, and dinner tasted gross.  I learned that I DO NOT like beets in my juice.  Aside from the terrible taste, it looked like we were drinking blood.  Of course that is what I told the children we were having, you have to take the joy where  you can in these dark times.  I felt a little tired but still managed to get through boot camp.

Day 2:

Ehh.. I won't lie the first part of the day is waaayyyy better than dinner time.  I still felt tired but again made it through boot camp.  Though, once I came home I curled up in a ball and cried because the making the kids dinner was too much.  I wanted a bite sooo bad.  The good news was I was already down 2 lbs.

Day 3:

Decided to watch the documentary myself for a little inspiration, it was worth the watch.  Hardest day so far.  Keeping busy is a must, otherwise, you just sit and think up all the foods you wish you were eating.  Again, I broke down at dinner time.  It was somewhat eye-opening that I had such an emotional reaction to food.  I like the idea of not letting such a meaningless thing rule my life.  Stepping on the scale = down 4 lbs.

Day 4:

Today I was a little weak.  I keep waiting for this glow and burst of energy but I haven't gotten it. No tears today, so that is a plus. =down 6 lbs

Day 5:  Car broke down..  Brandon picked us up and took us to lunch.  Yep, threw in the towel.  Scale didn't move today, so I had little motivation.

*Update:  So I didn't make it the full 7 days.  I lost 6 lbs and have continued to lose weight by eating a healthy diet and staying active.  I will probably try it again once I've hit a slump.

Say WHAT?

Yes, yes.. a lot of seriousness have come out of these fingers lately. We must remedy that.

Today I’m going to share some random craziness that is my life:


1.  While talking about hte possibility of becoming a foster family Connor says, "I've always wanted a pretend brother or sister."

2.  The day after my daughter's 4th hamster perished, while standing in line at Target, she asks me if she can have one of those tiny Barbie toys hanging by the counter.
I say “no”. She tears up and says “Every time I hear the word no, I think about my
dead hamster”


3. My son, 9 years old, gets to pick any number for his jersey.. this is what he picks

      

Can you tell his father took him?  99 and 1 were both taken.. but I would have at least suggested any other number.

4.  One day, walking through Whole Foods, I threaten to take Connor out of the race car cart and make him walk.  I sternly say “Do you want to walk again”  To which every adult within earshot jerked their head around at and stared.  Some guy chuckling walked by and said “Geez, she’s going to break your legs son, I’d listen to her!”

5.  I let Abby give me a makeover.  As she starts moving down my chin with the lipstick, I give her a confused look.  She looks at me and says, “I accidentally messed up so I made you a zombie.”

6.    When C was about 3 or so he was eating ice cream with Nana & Papa.  After taking too big of a bite, he got a brain freeze.  He held his little fists up by his face and with his eyes closed repeated “Be brave, be brave” only it came out “Be Bwave, be bwave”

     
7.  A letter from C to A:

 To Abby From Connor:  I love you so much my head could explode.  Love, Connor

8.   My daughter created a secret handshake to share with her Aunt J which consists of some fiving, fist bumps and ends in their hands gesturing in an arch as they say “rainbow” followed by a growl.

 9.   No caption necessary:

10.       I've got "fashion" in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it....

11.       A:  “I swallowed my earring”

12.    Yet another makeover by my sweet daughter.  This time she starts putting make-up on my nose.  I look at her confused and she says, "I messed up on the eyes so I made you a clown."  I don't see a Mary Kay career in her future.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y

All too often lately I’m left of a feeling of “I’m so done” and the day is not nearly over.  I feel like I have given all that I have to give and am ready to retreat to my bedroom with the door locked, curtains drawn, and blanket over my head. 

So when a day comes where things fall into place and everyone is cheery, light-hearted, and behaving I want to dance and shout it from the rooftops.  Yesterday was just that day for me.  The heavens opened and light poured over my family and the angels sang.

The day before, however, was brutal.  We had discussion after discussion with our 9 year old son about looking at the bright side of things.  He has a HUGE tendency to focus on the negatives.  He is a child that can look at a rainbow and point out that the colors are off just so.  Deciding enough was enough, my husband and I sat down and had a serious talk about how having a positive attitude can make life so much more enjoyable.  To which he replied that there weren’t any positives in anything he did.  We talked and talked, gave example after example, until we threw our hands up in the air, and said “Fine, if you insist on being miserable go be miserable in your room so we don’t have to be a part of it.” 

I felt like a failure right then with no idea what else to do… I prayed. 

The next day I pass my son’s class in the hall (this is usually the point where I quickly duck into a room and hide until they pass) and his teacher informs me that he has been a model student all day.  He looks at me and smiles and says not only is he having a great day but that he is looking forward  to playing baseball tonight(which up until this point has consisted of our dragging him kicking and screaming).  He gets home from school still in a great mood talking about all of the positive things he’s focused on today and how it has just been the best day ever.  We go to baseball where he scores twice, gets a sweet hit, and stands in his “down and ready” position outfield instead of dancing around tossing his hat in the air.  His team wins their first game this season and there are 11 boys cheering and jumping with joy. 

I get home, curl up on the couch with a fever of 101 and think.. Thank you Jesus, this was the perfect day!

Dark Days

I didn't intend on publishing this post but after some thought, maybe someone needs to hear it. 

I love to write happy/silly things, but most of all I feel compelled to write about "real" things.  Today's reality is that I do not feel happy or silly at all.  I feel tired and broken.  I can not find a funny spin to put on my current situation, not even a hint of sarcasam.  For those who know me, know it must indeed be a dark day.

Parenting is hard.  You build relationships with other parents so that you have someone who can assure you that you aren't totally messing up your children or that we each mess them up in our own special way.  They too have pinched their child's leg in the seat belt or had an outburst that immediately embarrassed them.  So, when you get to the point when you share your most recent struggles and all you get in return is crickets.. it can feel so alone.

While I know I am not the only parent that has a 9 year old boy that struggles with control over his emotions, I can't tell you how nice it would be to have someone say, "Hey, I've been there and it sucks, but you'll get through it."   Because right now I just feel hopeless.  I am confused and scared and raw.  I feel like an utter failure as a parent and have no idea what to do next.  All I can do is fall to my knees and pray.  I pray for guidance, intervention, peace, patience, and wisdom.  I pray for strength, compassion, and perseverance.   I ask that God gives us the words we need to speak and the timing for when to speak them.  I ask that He gives us the tools we need to deal with the situations as the arise and the clarity to see the right way to use them.  I pray that my son feels God's calming hand wrap peace around his life.  That he can be in better control of his anger and forgive himself when he isn't.  I praise Him for blessing me with my wonderful family and trust in Him to get us through whatever comes next.

Renewed

Raging storms crash, howl and scream

You bring the stillness of waters untouched by the faintest breeze

Darkness consumes us, cold and bitter

You shine light brighter than the sun, casting no shadows

We fall broken, beaten and hopeless

You restore us whole, beautiful and new
 

Watch It My Friend!

I write this post as a warning to a few of my fellow "bootcampers."  You know who you are.  You walk in in your tiny swatches of spandex and chiseled abs with a spring in your step.  I look to you as an inspiration and only hope to be a little like you someday.  But be warned.. when you come in and complain about being tired after your 10 mile run from earlier today and how you aren't sure you are up for more exercise.. the likelihood of my "accidentally" tripping you as you breeze past me during our warm-up laps is extremely high.  I'm not proud of it, but it just has to happen.

Sorry, but when I talk about surviving another boot camp session,  I mean just that, survived.  I crawl away still breathing, or rather panting, and consider it a success.  Getting through a session takes everything I have.  I wobble out to the car, drive home and collapse over the edge of the tub, kick the lever with my foot and accept whatever temperature of water comes out as there really isn't anything I can do about it anyway.  My abs won't lift by body to change it and the one kick was all my leg had left.  It's a miracle that I don't drown.  As water starts to pour over the edge, B come in and turns it off.  I roll back over the edge of the tub and flop onto the rug on the floor.  Here I air dry/possibly sleep for the night.  For the next several days I struggle with meneal tasks such as brushing my hair and typing.  So as my arms shake with these final key strokes I bid you good night.

Gluten - A Natural Rage Suppressor?

Okay, so I've know a few people, namely my sister,  who have gone gluten-free and rave about it.  For this reason alone I have resisted the urge to try such a diet, it must be a fad after all.  However, after yet another long stretch of medical difficulties my doctor suggested I cut the gluten and see if it might be the magical remedy I needed. 

I begin the initial diet rating my days on the following scale:

Day 1 gluten-free:  Urge to kill low
Day 2 gluten-free:  Urge to kill rising
Day 5 gluten-free:  Urge to kill HIGH (B eating a slab of pound cake next to me in the car did't help)
Day 9 gluten-free:  Urge to kill waning

After the first week though, I really didn't mind the changes.  We mostly cook at home and there are a lot of options out there now that make the change easier.  The hardest part at this point was telling my sister about the change.  While she didn't say "I told you so,"  I still had a mental picture of Mr. Burns drumming his fingers together and saying "excellent!" 

I think what made the biggest impact though, was everyone telling me how much better I was going to feel.  So many people spout the same story.  "After a few weeks you will feel like a new person"  or "I feel so good and have so much energy."  So when we went out to eat for the first time since going GF, I felt a surge of panic when I realized that there is basically NOTHING I could order besides a plain salad at the restaurant.  I wanted to cry, but reminded myself that I was going to be a new person soon and the cheesy goodness of the eggplant parm is just not worth it anyway.  From then on we researched places to eat before going, which helped.

I'm now on week 5 of being GF and how do I feel???  Bitchy!  Like an all out grumpus-pants McGee.  I have no idea why.  I don't miss the food I can't eat, I have found great alternatives.  I've lost 10lbs and had a week off from work.  Sounds like a recipe for happiness if I have ever heard one.  However, for the last week I KNOW the mail person looks at me funny.. judging me.  The person at the grocery store bumped into me on purpose and stole something out of my cart.  My friends and family have all suddenly developed the most obnoxious habits, like asking me how my day is going.  Ugh, I go GF and the whole world goes mad!   My only guess is that someone is slipping me steroids, I only have to find out who. 

In a couple of more weeks I guess we will know for sure if GF is the way to be, or not.  Doc says the best way to find out is to eat some and see if I die.  Maybe not his exact words..  Here's hoping the pill they gave me was the "magic" I needed and I can go back to being nicer to my fellow man.  Until then.. watch yourselves!  Ha ha ha!  No, really.. watch yourselves!

I CAN Laugh at Myself! (I just wish it didn't have to be so often)

After 2 nights of little sleep, an extreme amount of pain in my ear, and little food (as it hurts to chew), I arrive at work determined to teach a website class.  My boss comes in and asks how I am and I immediately burst into tears in front of everyone in my office.  I'm horrified, pull myself together and tell her I'm fine.  She exits and we all sit in awkward silence.  After debating how to handle this, I stand up and say "I'm sorry, I'm fine..I won't cry anymore I promise.  Now, no more awkwardness."  Everyone giggles and the air is lighter.  I turn to exit for my class and immediately trip over a fan. 


Such is my life.

In the Blink of an Eye

One of my favorite things to do is photograph children.  You never quite know what you are going to get out of any given session, but inevitably they are the most cherished pieces of my work.  

It is such an honor to come into a new family's home and capture the special moments as they embark on this new adventure.  It seems impossible to new parents but within a year it will be hard to remember how very small their little bundle once was.  The teeny, tiny toes swiftly change to dirty toddling feet, and I'm running and giggling along side them trying to get the perfect shot for their first birthday.

You blink and I'm snapping pictures as your baby climbs onto the bus for the very first time.  Then, somewhere between the school programs, soccer practice, ball games and dance recitals your "baby" has grown up and it is time to get their Senior Portraits and you're left wondering Where did the time go?

Do I dare mention what comes next??

Do you need your special moments captured before they slip by?  Contact me at jami@capturedbyjami.com and allow me the privilege of documenting the milestones of your life. www.capturedbyjami.com

Let Them Eat Cake!

My children are loud, messy, and completely rotten...  I couldn't love them more.

 

but.....

 

It is so easy as a mother to get caught up in life.  I come home and the house is a wreck, the kids are SO LOUD, and dinner, well, who knows what is going on with dinner.  I'd give anything just to curl up on the couch and lay there in silence. 

Instead, I walk in the door, take a deep breath, and begin phase two of my day.  While the kids shove paper after paper from school in front of my face, I comment on how wonderful each and every one of them are, while piling dishes in the dishwasher to make room to cook.  I answer questions about homework while stirring the pot, and on a good day manage not to burn it's contents.  Of course, in the morning I will get a call from someone at the school informing me that I did not send the proper paperwork back, because, lets face it.. I did not actually read through every one of those wonderful papers.  Luckily, I have a fantastic husband that will hop in the car and bring them whatever they need.

After the kids have gone to sleep.. and I phrase it that way because the battle is not over once they have "gone to bed."  But, ahhh.... once they have gone to sleep and the house is quite, still a wreck, but quite.  I can actually reflect on my day.  Then the guilt sets in.. every  "Shhhhh!!!!"  "Not right now!"  "No"  and "Mommy's tired"  come back to me, and I can't help but wish I had let them be a little louder or have a little of the cake they wanted.  After all, they have been perfect little students all day.  I should probably try and let them be ornery little monsters for a little while.  Tomorrow's goal: Let the kids be kids for a while.  I'd say 5 minutes should be sufficient.