Confession

So earlier this year God told us to move to Austin.  I was like, "Whoa, God.. seriously??  But I like my job, love my friends, and love, love our church!  We just started fostering.  Are you sure?  Maybe you have us mixed up with someone else."  No amount of pleaing changed what had become obvious to our family.. we were about to become Texans.  

 There is something exciting about a new adventure.  I forgot the worries and focused on the adventure.  We packed up and and began our new journey.  Austin was exciting, there was/is so much to explore that we never run out of things to do.  We've been here almost 3 months and have barely touched the number of great parks, hiking/biking trails, lakes and so on.  Brandon loves his new job and is excelling at it already.  The kids have a number of friends and our house is full most days.

It's easy for me to tell you all about the great things we have seen and done here so far.  How following His will just requires faith.  I have faith.. I'm here aren't I?  I still have no doubt in my mind that God wants us here for whatever reason.  But something happened shortly after we moved here.  My excitement faded and I was left feeling empty.  Most days I was content to sit and my room and do nothing.  I'd take the kids to a park or to the pool and then call it good.  We started running again and that helped.  We even found a pretty great church.  Yet, every Sunday I had to REALLY fight not to cry while sitting in this great church that was not mine.  I missed MY church.  I missed my friends. I missed my family. I missed and worried about our foster kiddo. I didn't know what I was supposed to do career wise.  I was developing some serious bitterness.  I would have never admitted it, but I was mad at God.  How could He lead me here and then leave me, alone,  without a clue of what I am supposed to be doing?

Then, while sitting at church last Sunday, WHAM!, it hit me. He didn't leave me.. I left Him.  I've been pouting for 3 months.  I haven't been spending time with Him, doing devotionals.  I really haven't been praying outside of specific requests for others.  Essentially, I've been sitting in the corner, arms crossed, lip stuck out and pouting.  Poor pitiful me!  You can ask my children or my students.. I don't tolerate pouting, can't stand it!  Yet, here I was.  

So, I'm writing this as a declaration:  "NO MORE!"  I started a daily devotion time this week am praying and searching for where God wants me to be.  I'm no longer sitting around thinking about what I can't do, but what I am going to do.  We're joining a community group at church and will start serving soon.  We were given a gift with this move, and I'm going to figure out why.. and then LIVE it.  I'm putting it out there so that if you see me with my lip out, you can give me a swift kick in the rear.  


"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."     - Deuteronomy 31:8

Hope for the Hopeless

I've thought a lot about writing lately. I have a lot I want to get out but haven't because it's either too painful or I'm afraid that I'll step on someone's toes.  Let me begin by saying, I am well aware of my imperfections and realize I mess things up on a regular basis.  In this moment, my heart is broken and I feel like stomping some toes. 

Like I said, I am far from perfect.  We had just begun this journey into foster care.  I feel like we went into it knowing the risks.  I've said all along that nothing can truly prepare you for any of it.  We just jumped into the fire and prayed for God to guide us through.  Early into the process I had people say to me, things like; "Wow!  I couldn't give back a puppy, let alone a child I cared for.  There's no way I could do it."  I have had that exact thing said to me at least twice.  At the time, all I could think was.. REALLY??  By all means, let's compare a motherless child to a stray dog.

After realizing that such a need existed, I really wanted to make more people aware.  There is a HUGE need for safe and loving homes.  I know not everyone is called to open their home, but I really hoped that more and more people would realize their call.  I hadn't heard much of anything about foster care until the last year and all of the sudden it seemed like it was everywhere.  It was exciting to see so much awareness being brought about, and so many people willing to do something to make a change.

Here is where it gets dicey... I've now gone from hopeful to broken and angry.  It's not a good place to be.  I realize that our system is not perfect, we are not perfect.  If you are going to commit to becoming a foster parent, please realize that the children are NOT perfect.  It is not easy, they are broken and hurting.  When you agree to take in a child, you are agreeing to take them into your home and love them as your own, until they are placed into whatever next step lies ahead of them.  God has a plan for every child, his plan is perfect.  But we are human and can screw up that plan.  Like I said, I'm coming from a painful place right now.. but I feel like people are hiding behind this "God's plan" as a cop out for giving up.  "It's so hard for us, it must not be His plan after all."  In some cases, I'm certain that it is true.. but in every case???  If your child suddenly began behaving badly, how would you handle it?  These children are not disposable.  You can not trade them in, in hopes of a child with less baggage.

In the beginning, I was astonished at how many homes the average foster child will have stayed at in their time "in the system."  I couldn't understand the problem.  In a very short time, my eyes were opened and my heart broken.  How do we fix this?  How do we recruit families to love these kids for the right reasons and convey that they are not disposable?  It's okay to change your mind, it's not a lifelong commitment.  However, to bail when it gets hard and assume that someone else will do a better job is not the solution.  God's plan may have been to use you as a stepping stone, but it also may be for you to grin and bear it for a season.  To give a child a chance to feel loved, fought for, protected.  To be yanked from the life they've known is traumatic.  How much more damage are we causing by creating an environment where kids feel passed off , unwanted, unloved, unworthy... hopeless...  It's our first experience witnessing someone chewed up and spit out "in the system" and it sucks.  It's depressing.  It's gut-wrenching.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  I have a horrible feeling this will not be the only time we experience this sort of failure. 

Keep praying for each child in foster care.  Pray for the parents taking the plunge, for those who are pros, for those wavering and those pushing through.  Pray that I can find my place in it all here.  Pray for courage to face it all again, and again. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.".. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Right now my Grumpy Cat mug makes me happy (Katie) and the song "Happy" makes me sad.  

BITTERSWEET

I am always amazed when things fall so perfectly into place.  We are so blessed.  Our house is under contract, scheduled to close mid-May.  We have signed a lease on a house in Austin.  From a "To-Do" list perspective, everything is going even better than we could have hoped.  As the days count down, we are excited to begin this new adventure.

However, as we prepare to say our goodbyes to friends we cherish and a community we love, I am deeply saddened.  It's strange to think that we've only been here 2 1/2 years because it has felt like so much longer.  Our time here has been filled with great memories, incredible people, and a renewed sense of purpose.  We have not felt as this "at home" in a community since leaving our childhood "home" 14 years ago.  It is going to be a sad departure.

I figured I would get this out of the way before it is "done" as it will likely take a while before I'm ready to talk about it again.

Even less exciting is the prospect of saying goodbye to a little girl who has made a home in our hearts over the last couple of months.   Last night as we signed her in at church it occurred to me that this was the last time we would be doing so.  I'm sure last night's message was a good one, as they always are, but I have to admit that my mind was somewhere else.  I knew it was coming.  I knew it would suck.  In a matter of days I will say goodbye to my little Sugar Bug.  My heart is already breaking.  I pray, wherever she goes from here, that she is safe, happy, and as loved as she was loved by us. 

 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

                                                                                        -1 Corinthians 13:7

We're Off to See the Wizard!

So life in our household the last few months has been somewhat overwhelming.  My boss passed away just before February, B was called out of the blue during this time and offered a job, and we became foster parents.  To say it has been stressful may be the understatement of the year.  

First of all, my boss was an amazing man.  I love my job, and he was a big part of why.  Our department is filled with absolutely wonderful people, and he was kind and supportive to us all.  He had a real impact on the students in the community.  His loss will be felt for some time.

One night B received a call about an opportunity.  It was a great opportunity.... in Austin, TX.  My boss was in the hospital on life support and all I could say was that it sounded great, but honestly I couldn't even think about it for a few days.  While I didn't want to think about moving, I did begin to pray.  God has blessed us so much, so I put our future in His hands.  Notice I don't say gladly, ha!  We love our home, our church, our friends.. so it was hard to fathom leaving it all behind.  However, over the next few weeks, it became apparent that it was His plan for us to leave.  So the planning began.  I would like to take just a moment to acknowledge how incredibly proud I am of my husband. 

Right about the same time, we were finally approved to provide foster care.  We had been working toward this for months and it seemed so strange that God would have us move so soon after "getting there."  But, we were led to do this so I must believe that, for whatever length of time we are here, it is for a greater purpose than I can imagine.  I know that after just a little over a month already, he has opened my eyes and blessed me more than I ever expected.  I realize not everyone is called to foster.  Heck, some days I'm convinced I was wrong about myself.  But, in the moments I am about to give up, something always happens.  EVERY time I get low God sends a person, an email, a message, and I feel renewed.  Energy and confidence restored... ready to take on the next day.  While I don't fully understand what the plan is.. I am confident that we will take on the long, daunting process again in Texas so that we can continue to foster.  Oh, and in case you didn't know I suck at being patient.

Here we are.. uncertain of A LOT!  Where we will live, when we will leave, when our house will sell, what I shall do when we are there, what the fostering process is like there, the list goes on... and on..  So we will pray, and I ask for your prayers.  It is scarey, exciting, sad, and exhilarating.  My heart is full and breaking at the same time.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."   John 14:27

Our Journey Begins..

God's timing is perfect.  It's hard to remember that during the waiting process.  After having some hiccups and our "final approval" being postponed by a few days we were finally notified that we were "Open"!  Ten minutes later we had a call for a placement.  There was only one problem, she was a couple hours away and they had to figure out how to get her to us.  ONLY.. B was in the same city.. two hours away and was happy to pick her up.  God's timing is perfect.

So, I won't lie.  The first week was a huge adjustment for us all.  I can't imagine what goes through a child's mind during this time, it breaks my heart to even think about it.  Our kiddos were teetering between excitement, sorrow, and a little fear.  It's confusing having a new person in the mix and not knowing how to act or what to say can be just as stressful on little ones.  I guess I hadn't really thought about that aspect.  You try and prepare as best you can, but really there is nothing that can truly prepare you for a specific child and situation.  God has a way of equipping you as you go.  You just have to keep your faith in Him.  So that is what we have done.  Our family has grown from 4 to 5 for now and our lives are so much richer because of it.  Already I dread goodbyes, even on days where I'm exhausted both mentally and physically.  In two weeks this little girl has worked her way into all of our hearts.  I just pray that we can be whatever she needs us to be in this season of her little life. 

Some of my favorite moments over the last couple of weeks:

1.  We dressed up for our youth ministry night.. 50's style and B pulled his hair back.. Little bit says:  "You're hair is ridiculous"  You really have to hear it pronounced to fully appreciate it.

2.  The nightly request for "You are my Sunshine"

3.  Hearing Connor try and sooth a sad little girl and explain why Abby just wants to go to sleep.

4.  Walking around the neighborhood with our "Scooter Gang"

One Step Closer

 

 
 It's hard to believe that we have made it so far in the process already.  I know it has been months, but suddenly it feels like it has flown by.  Maybe it's the realization that soon we will be diving into unknown waters and praying for God's help to swim.  I keep saying how excited and terrified I am.  There are so many emotions rolled up in this for me, I just have to find peace in knowing that God's got this.
     Our 27 hours of training have been completed, and I'm surprised to say that I am sad.  I am not usually a very good student, but I enjoyed every minute of our training.  We had a fabulous leader and met some really fantastic couples going through the same grueling process we are.  It was really nice to hear about others' stories, hopes and fears.  I really understand why they stress finding support with other foster families in your area.  I think we got lucky because every family we have met thus far has been so wonderful.
     We have some final paperwork and such to finish up, but we are nearing the end of our process.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."                                       - John 14:27

The Path Ever Changing

Everyone that we've talked to about foster care has warned about how long and chaotic the process is.  Being aware of this fact doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  Anyone that knows me knows how difficult being patient is for me. 

At this point we have turned in all of the paperwork, had physicals and been fingerprinted at the Sherrif's department.  On Friday we had our first home visit, which lasted 2 and a half hours.  We planned on one training session that would have ended at the beginning of February, in Tulsa.  Our agency told us about one that they were having that would be a week at the end of January in the evenings + one Saturday.  It was in Owasso, which was awesome.  However, our trainer wasn't quite finished with her training so it ended up getting canceled.  This was, of course, after the initial training had started so we needed to find another class.  We settled for one the second half of February and would be finished at the beginning of March.  It wasn't as soon as I had hoped, but I'll take what I can get.  I have to keep reminding myself that it isn't on my timeline.

Yesterday, an article on the front page of the Tulsa newspaper spoke about DHS failing to keep children safe.  I can't say that the article was entirely fair in their portrayal of child deaths while in the system, but the main story about a young girl that was killed while staying with an approved family member was gut-wrenching.  The article went on to talk about how many children need homes and how few there are available.  It made me feel even worse about having to wait another month to even begin training.  I emailed our agency asking if we were for sure scheduled for the class at this point as I didn't want to miss another one.  She replied and said that she hadn't heard back yet.  I felt even more deflated.  Later that afternoon I received a message from her saying that she needed to talk to us about some other options.  My heart sank...  the classes fill up fast, I know this.  She didn't answer when I called back.

I got home that evening and we all went on a walk.  I was whining to B about it all when my phone rang.  Turns out that our agency had found another person to do the training and they wanted to start this weekend!  I called my parents to beg them to come down to watch the kids while we attended the class.  Of course, being the wonderful parents they are, they agreed.  B and I were trying to figure out who else we could ask to cover the rest of the Saturdays.  My sister had offered to come in from Ohio, because that is the sort of sister I have, but I'd hate to have her drive 24 hours and not even get to stay that long.  We woke up the next morning with a text from B's sister asking if we ever figured out training this month and if we needed any help, because that is the sort of sister B(I) has (have).  Um.. yeah.. that's the kind of family we have and the kind of God we serve.  Today I am feeling incredibly blessed.  Our family is the kind of family I want to share with others.. they ROCK! 

I received an email with a verse of the day from a co-worker as I was writing this blog.  I had already titled the post.. and it seems even more fitting now.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths

Proverbs 3:5-6

Of course.. I prepare myself for the possibility that tomorrow, it may change again.